Pues ya no se que pensar.

Este año ha estado lleno de dudas sobre el rumbo que esta tomando mi vida.

I LOVE medicine, but being a DOCTOR ... not what I expected.

I am seriously considering to take a step back and stop practicing medicine clinically. Since a while ago I've had this idea of doing a Masters Degree and I'm finally starting to look into it. So far all I can say is: its looking good. Seems like a nice personal challenge. Plus, it would mean MORE SCHOOL FOR ME! I didn't realize how much of a school-loving-freak I was until I was out. I miss classes, assignments, tests, deadlines, learning. I miss school. There, I said it. Moving on ...

I expect this hiatus to be temporary only and quoting Professor Dumbledore, it would be "for the greater good". At least MY greater good.

You see, it would allow me to take a break for patients and sort out what kind of doctor I really want to be. All this while gaining an academic degree which I'm sure will not hurt my fluffed up CV nor my toolbox (as my middle school teacher used to say). Did I mention I would be back to school? I've always have had an interest in teaching, so this can help in here too. Also, ever since that Summer Research Program during my 2nd year vacations I developed the firm belief that medicine, and science for what that matters, would be nothing without research and that not being a part of it just doesn't make sense. I don't mean I intent to make my life goal to fuckin cure cancer or anything, but not being involved in research at all just makes me a fake doctor, puts me right next to homeopaths and Reiki-believers. I need to at least fully understand an article when I read it. I need to know what p=0.66 means, or what the fuck is a chi square or a goddamn odds ratio. I don't wanna be a quack. I want to be a real scientists who practices real evidence-based medicine.

Surgery is still about the only thing I truly get the chills for. Yeah, its great when you diagnose an old lady's cancer, or when you correctly treat a patient and literally save their lives or whatever. Yet, the only thing that gets my heart rising is picturing my hand on a scalpel, cutting right down through someone's skin. Man! Can you imagine that shit!

Some people actually think I "over-doing" my training. They say I should just cut the crap and start my ENT residency. They say world doesn't need a nerdy know-it-all earwax remover with a Masters in Science.

Or do they?

We might as well find out.

A 192 dias de mi libertad ...

estoy harta, ya no puedo mas.

A punto de llegar a la mitad de mi año de servicio social estoy que me vuelvo loca.

Llevo ya 6 meses llenando expedientes, informes, recetas y mucha mas papeleria de los miles de programas estupidos que manejan los Centros de Salud. Entre Oportunidades (con sus multiples SUB-programas: que si la papilla, que si la consulta de sanos, que si las chingadas juntas con los Oportunistas), Seguro Popular, cronicos, embarazadas, niño sano, GAM, estimulacion, influenza (puta infuenza), dengue (RE-puto DENGUE), SIS hijo de su rechingada madre y la lista se vuelve interminable.

No pasa semana que no me entere de otra hoja/informe/muestra que se supone debo estar llenando/tomando desde hace 6 meses. Carajo, porque chingados no le dan a uno una capacitación real y no la pendejada esa de "cuales son tus hobbies? cuales son tus metas? bla, bla"

Casi cada mes me han estado diciendo de nuevas muestras y detecciones que a la doctora de epidemiologia se le ocurre debemos hacer a TODO paciente que acuda. Y si va el niño con su mama OBVIAMENTE que a ella tambien le debes hacer su deteccion. Total, "solo le toma un minutito, dra". Si? Un minutito? Pues sera de los minutos de mi santa madre cuando dice que ya solo tarda "5 minutitos" en llegar! No se como ella logre tomar los SV (ah por que es mi querida enfermera de base no se digna a hacerlo) interrogar, explorar, diagnosticar, hacer la nota, meterle en la cola al paciente un hisopo de cary blair, llenar su formato correspondiente (y carga con lupa y pluma de punto extrafino porque como es la copia de la copia de la copia no se lee ni madres), hacer la receta, explicarla, entregar VSO, dar informacion del dengue, promover alguna estupida accion de las lineas de vida, verificar riesgo de TB y si tiene fiebre te chingaste por que tienes que hacerle su gota gruesa (no vaya ser paludismo!). Y mientras haces todo esto, porque no le aplicas un cuestionario de violencia a la mama? y de diabetes de una vez. Ah! Y apurate que afuera ya se te alebresto la gente porque ya vas 10 minutos atrasada en la consulta. 10 minutos! POR DIOS! Y se me hace que va llegando un tarado que se corto y que tienes que suturar. Aaaarrrrghhhhh!

Que facil es poner metas de 10 hibridos a la semana, 10 papanicolaous, 10 cary blairs, gotas gruesas a todo febril, 15 detecciones cronicos, 1 platica de Violencia, 10 detecciones de Violencia, 1 platica del Dengue, 10 detecciones de TB, etc etc etc. Lo que me pregunto es que putos les hacen a tanta jodida muestra? Porque mira que en los 6 meses que llevo no me han reportado ningun resultado de gota gruesa. A veces me imagino que en un cuarto de la jurisdiccion esta el cabron jefe de epidemiologia nadando como rico MCPato entre puras muestras y estudios epidemiologicos sin procesar.

Ven? En verdad que si me estoy volviendo loca.

Y aguas con que te supervisen. Porque aunque lleves 1 mes aprendiendo a la brava y como vayas pudiendo, esos estupidos medicos oficinistas te evaluaran sin compasion. Es que "Doctora, la ignorancia no la deslinda de la responsabilidad. No ha leido las normas? Ahi esta todo en los manuales y las guias". IMBECILES. Dan ganas de ponerlos un dia a dar consulta, dudo que le sepan recetar Paracetamol a un niño. "Ahi estan los libros, CABRON!"

Y es que coño! Si lo que estuviera en riesgo fuera solo una mala nota, que no me den mi estrellita al salir del servicio, me valdria madre. Pero la realidad es que junto con su refrigerador viejo de vacunas y tus familias de Oportunidistas te enjaretan bienes federales y de la noche a la mañana te vuelves un servidor publico. Sujeto a auditoria, investigacion y demandas federales.

Pero bueno. Ya va la mitad.

Y si nos ponemos muy "half full glass" y tomamos en cuenta que no he gastado ningun periodo de vacaciones ... solo quedan CINCO MESES.

(5 meses? Tanto?? :S )

You are AWESOME!

Me encanto este corto.

shit, man!

Where do I get this kind of videos? How the fuck do I just "bump into them"?

I honestly don't know...

please, just watch

It starts pretty sweet, decent ... and all of a sudden they start with some inexplicable moves worthy of the Exorcist. No less.




At 1:57 I almost had to cry for my mama

If no one ever marries me, and I don´t see why they should

Earlier this year I had a chance to watch some of TED 2010 talks live.

During that changing time of finishing medschool, starting social service, having my life crisis, etc. watching TED 2010 was in many ways a light that illuminated those dark days.

I particularly remember this talk, by Natalie Merchant. Please take the time to watch the full video. Its remarkable and so beautiful.



Her voice is so uniquely soothing.

My favorite songs/poems are "The sleepy giant" and "If no one ever marries me". But what I really loved was the last song, when the audience was brought to its feet.

She is like no other performer I've seen, and she is just so incredibly odd. You just have to love her dancing.

"You know what? I'll show you how to clap to this song"

Today is one of those days...

Today is one of those days when you think the world has no more SHIT to throw at you ... IT DOES. It still has that extra load piled up, ready, and aiming directly at your face.

Today is one of those days that the world can go an fuck itself. Twice.

Today is one of those days, so common lately, when Medschool seems like such a big mistake.

Today is one of those days when what I need the most is a hug. When I really don't want to hear what you think, I just want and need, desperately need, some empathy. Someone to tell me that "Yeah, fuck them. Fuck them all. You are right. Screw them".

I don't need my own father to tell me that maybe its ME who is the problem. That maybe its MY attitude, and MY behavior the cause of this all. That my career is not of "bureaucracy", but of "the people".

REALLY? When the fuck have you seen me treat a patient? When the fuck have you seen what I do? Do you even have an idea of what it is that I do? Why is supposed to be inherent in a doctor to be selfless and just take the shit and say nothing.

I am a regular person. I respond to people screaming at me. I cry. I get pissed. I feel bad.

Sorry dad. Stoicism is not in me. That is your strength. Not mine.

Saben que. Hoy si. CHINGUENSE TODOS.

Everymorning ...

I wake up wishing I was in Medschool again.

Shit.

Things are never going to be as easy as they were back then.

COUNTDOWN: 365 days

So, Im a doctor.
Finally.

Eleven semesters after those boring biochemistry classes of which I remember nothing, I'm done.

I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. I've been dreading for this day, long enough. I’ve worked my ass off in med school. I’ve spent the last 5 and a half years trying learn how to be a good doctor. I’ve studied for unreasonable numbers of hours, I’ve put myself through mental and physical torture, and I’ve made countless sacrifices.

I haven't been so scared in my life.

Why do I feel so unready.

When the heck did this happen.

How can I make it stop?

Chocolate Chip Goodness!

The PERFECT Chocolate Chip Cookie!

Not the butter-y, flat, hard-as-hell type ... oh no!!

These are tall, chewy, moist in the inside but crunchy in the outside and most importantly DELICIOUS!!

And the most imppressive thing here is ... I baked them. From scratch.

CHOCOLATE CHIP GOODNESS!!