WOW!
I love love LOVE surgery!
I can't believe it!! Today I TOUCHED a breathing trachea and a beating carotid!! I could PERFECTLY identify every cartilage ring. The carotid had a strong pulse I could totally feel. Right there. I was touching the adventitia.
Jeez, talk about adrenaline.
I can't believe someone does this everyday. And gets paid.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Stream of conciousness
I've never been good at making decisions.
I think too much on every possible outcome ... the unlikely, the impossible ... then eventually lose a lot of time rambling so that in the end I take a rushed and unfounded decision.
I don't have a method, or anything of the sort which might help me make a good choice. I just ... mmm... I don't know ... I cannot even explain my decision making.
I guess most times I just start dismissing options and go with the one left... And for good or bad, I'll make up my mind and stick to this decision. As groundless as it might be.
It has always been easier for me to stick to school, study, follow the rules, do what I'm expected. It involves taking fewer decisions.
Anyways, that's what got me into Medschool.
Troubled? Maybe. But I haven't come up with a better system, and it had worked fine for me for the past 23 years.
The problem arose when these decisions (as small and trivial as they seemed at first) became more and more important, and they started affecting my life, for real. That's when the shit hit the fan.
It's like building a tower on loose sand. A little wind hits it and there's nowhere to hold on to. The building eventually starts collapsing.
This is kinda how I've been feeling for a year or so. Maybe longer.
I feel like I'm running aimlessly. I haven't been focused. I'm working basically just by inertia. I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it most of the time. My heart is not on my work anymore.
Things have started to get harder. There is much more at stake now. It's not just a matter of studying more as it has been before. Now it's different, its no game anymore. This time it's for real. The decisions I take will mark what I'll be doing for the next couple years. I'm so nervous to take a bad turn and end up lost.
Occasionally I have wanted to quit it all, start from scratch, make new choices. Better choices. But, as I said before, for good or bad ... once I make a decision, I'm gonna stick to it. And I have.
I don't regret it. Even now I don't imagine myself doing anything else but what I'm doing right now, and I am happy, its just that many times I feel uncertain as to what comes next.
Some days I just don't want to study anymore. I'm tired of school. I'm sick of patients. I don't want to listen to that old lady ramble for an hour about her life. I don't want to wake up early, and stick a schedule somebody else assigns me. I don't want to be a liability to my parents.
But then there are these others days, when I'm great. When I love what I do, and I'm exited not only because I understand what happens to my patients, but because I know I can help them. When I'm trilled to feel an artery beat or to look at a beautiful tympanum. Oh, I wish more days where like this.
Bit cyclothymic, no?
I guess I'm just tired and drained out.
The thing is, I have been tired and drained out for too long. It has started affecting my life. I have been so worried about making the wrong choices, that I have been putting them off. I need to get my act together and focus. I can no longer be on stand-by mode, watching my life go by without me being a part of it. There cannot be any excuses now.
Come on, girl ... Seize the moment!
I think too much on every possible outcome ... the unlikely, the impossible ... then eventually lose a lot of time rambling so that in the end I take a rushed and unfounded decision.
I don't have a method, or anything of the sort which might help me make a good choice. I just ... mmm... I don't know ... I cannot even explain my decision making.
I guess most times I just start dismissing options and go with the one left... And for good or bad, I'll make up my mind and stick to this decision. As groundless as it might be.
It has always been easier for me to stick to school, study, follow the rules, do what I'm expected. It involves taking fewer decisions.
Anyways, that's what got me into Medschool.
Troubled? Maybe. But I haven't come up with a better system, and it had worked fine for me for the past 23 years.
The problem arose when these decisions (as small and trivial as they seemed at first) became more and more important, and they started affecting my life, for real. That's when the shit hit the fan.
It's like building a tower on loose sand. A little wind hits it and there's nowhere to hold on to. The building eventually starts collapsing.
This is kinda how I've been feeling for a year or so. Maybe longer.
I feel like I'm running aimlessly. I haven't been focused. I'm working basically just by inertia. I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it most of the time. My heart is not on my work anymore.
Things have started to get harder. There is much more at stake now. It's not just a matter of studying more as it has been before. Now it's different, its no game anymore. This time it's for real. The decisions I take will mark what I'll be doing for the next couple years. I'm so nervous to take a bad turn and end up lost.
Occasionally I have wanted to quit it all, start from scratch, make new choices. Better choices. But, as I said before, for good or bad ... once I make a decision, I'm gonna stick to it. And I have.
I don't regret it. Even now I don't imagine myself doing anything else but what I'm doing right now, and I am happy, its just that many times I feel uncertain as to what comes next.
Some days I just don't want to study anymore. I'm tired of school. I'm sick of patients. I don't want to listen to that old lady ramble for an hour about her life. I don't want to wake up early, and stick a schedule somebody else assigns me. I don't want to be a liability to my parents.
But then there are these others days, when I'm great. When I love what I do, and I'm exited not only because I understand what happens to my patients, but because I know I can help them. When I'm trilled to feel an artery beat or to look at a beautiful tympanum. Oh, I wish more days where like this.
Bit cyclothymic, no?
I guess I'm just tired and drained out.
The thing is, I have been tired and drained out for too long. It has started affecting my life. I have been so worried about making the wrong choices, that I have been putting them off. I need to get my act together and focus. I can no longer be on stand-by mode, watching my life go by without me being a part of it. There cannot be any excuses now.
Come on, girl ... Seize the moment!
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