On call

Yesterday a patient died, actually my patient died. I've seen dead people and Ive seen people die before, but I've never stood there, helpless, just waiting for a flat line in order to pronounce the death.
He was in his 50s, he had a severe mental impairment and an acute pneumonia. He was looking pretty bad since arrived, his O2 sat started dropping. His ABG showed a respiratory acidosis. My resident decided it was time to intubate him, she and I talked to the patient's family and got them to sign the consent. When the time came to intubate him, she handed me the tube. It was my shot, she said, I've seen it done several time, now it was my turn to do it. I put on my gloves, took a deep breath. They handed me the laryngoscope, I inserted the blade into his mouth. His macroglossia and abundant secretions made it pretty hard just to get a look at his larynx. After some stressful seconds I though I had a clear shot so I passed the tube, we insufflated the balloon and bagged him.
The resident checked his thorax, he wasn't venting properly, the tube was probably not in. Fuck! I've missed the cords and inserted it in the esophagus. We deflated the balloon, took the tube out and started preparing a new tube. Another intern took my place while I silently moved over. After some difficulties, she finally inserted the tube. We checked, it was in his trachea as it was meant in the first place. We plugged the O2 and started bagging him. Still his secretions wouldn't let him vent properly. His lips started to turn blueish, his fingers too. His O2 sat started dropping. He wasn't oxygenating. We rechecked the tube was in place, it was. His pulse was fine. We kept bagging. His O2 sat still too low, dropping more and more. Suddenly his pulse began to get faint. Then it was imperceptible. He was crashing.
We started CPR, kept the vent, nothing.
1mg of epinephrine , still nothing
1mg of atropine, still no pulse
His EKG showed almost no activity.
We kept the CPR until the doctor finally told us to stop. There was nothing we could do now. We stopped the heart compressions but kept the vent. His heart showed only isolated impulses in the EKG, mostly due to the drugs we've just given him. No pulse could be felt.
So we waited. We stood there for some 10-15 minutes until his hear finally showed no electric activity. We printed his EKG, an isoelectric line. He was all white but his blueish lips. We pronounced his death.
He died at 17:31hrs on the last of may.