Done

I'm just arriving from my very LAST night on call in that public hospital that has given me some of the worst experiences of my life. These past 6 weeks have been, to say the least, traumatic. I wish to never go back there, I feel a little bit of my soul died there.

I guess its not that bad, at least for most people. But for me it was horrible. You see, the main reason I don't like very sick people is not because they are gross (because I'm sorry to tell you, but they are) but because they are sad. And despite my tough appearance, I'm really a wuss, a disturbingly emotional wuss.

I've seen some very disturbing wounds there, the type most of you will (luckily) never have to see. I just cannot stand to clean those wounds. They are kinda gross, but thats not what disturbs me. What really gets me is knowing that most of these people are beyond help, that they are suffering so much and that there's very little that I can do for them. I try, I really do try to make my job as best I could, but its just not enough. I felt so bad when I heard one of my patients have died, or had to undergo another surgery or amputations. I don't know how to express this. I guess you cannot relate to this unless you've been there, and probably not even so. Its got a lot to do with me and my personality, I guess. Two times I cried because I just could not stand to hurt this people anymore, despite knowing it was for their own good.

Shit, I wish had the words to express this, but I don't.

Oh goodness, I don't want to think about this anymore. I just want to forget what I've seen, enjoy my next 2 weeks of private hospital rotations and get ready to come back for the last month.

Yes, I will come back. I won't be doing any on-call, just (ha!) clinical activities from 8am to 4pm. I have to admit it that when I found out that my original schedule had changed and I had to go back there I cried a little. It sucks. You wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain, so I won't.

I need a hug, a long, strong hug.